Google Found My Father But Can't Make Him My Dad

I grew up without a father. Apparently, I was the love child of a fling my mom had with her married doctor nearly 30 years ago. She told him and he wanted her to abort the pregnancy. She tells me she went to the clinic not knowing what she would do, but could not go through with it. Whether there is any truth to her claim that "Jesus told her not to do it," I don't know. But as hard as life gets sometimes, I am grateful I exist.

When I was young I asked my mom who my father was. She told me his name and that he was married and was her doctor. She also gave me his long-obsolete business card which was of no value to me. In fact, I think i threw it away.

Since becoming a father myself, I have thought again about meeting/talking to guy whose DNA I share. But I have not been able to identify precisely why I want this. I know that meeting him or talking with him will not undue any of the pain his absence caused me as a child. I cannot even tell if I fully expect him to be interested in my life at all. All I know is that I'm curious. What I expect to find out, I don't know.

A few years back, I started Googling the name my mother gave me along with his profession and where I was born. (Google is pretty amazing, isn't it?) With a few choice keywords I had a picture and factoids about what he's been up to all these years. It turns out that he stayed right there in San Diego, in the same neighborhood where I was born. I also found out he has sons only a little older than me.

One disturbing factoid I encountered on my keyword quests was the criminal history of one of my half brothers. A San Francisco newspaper reports that this young man is alleged to have repeatedly coaxed young boys into removing their clothes for him and/or sending him nude photos. Someone in my position has to ask themselves, "Do I even want to know these people?"

Nevertheless, I have continued to research the whereabouts of this "father" sporadically over the years without making any decision on whether I would attempt to contact him. This week, I discovered he is no longer a primary care physician, but has taken a more corporate position which likely has him closer to a desk with a phone. I also obtained a number that could very well connect me to him directly. That is where the journey has led me to now.

Father vs. Dad

Scripture is clear about the fatherhood of God. In the Hebrew Bible, the fatherless are shown to be dear to God, and he himself is described as their father. One of my favorite passages that mentions this role is Psalm 68 verses 5 and 6. It says God is a father to the fatherless and that he "sets the lonely in families." I have indeed experienced this since I began following Christ 10 years ago. Yes, it is true, I have never met the the male who donated his seed to my conception, but I have not been fatherless for 10 years because the Lord has been faithful to his word and has provided me with godly mentors through whom he has demonstrated his father's heart and sacrificial love.

The New Testament adds a great deal to God's self-revelation as Father. Jesus calls God "Abba," an affectionate household term like Papa or Dad (Mk. 14.36). Jesus shows that our relationship to God is intimate and tender. In fact, Paul expounds on this truth teaching us that because believers are indwelled by the Spirit, we are adopted sons and cry out with Jesus, "Abba, Father" (Rom. 8.15, Gal. 4.6).

I count myself incredibly blessed to have had wonderful men in my life these last 10 years and to have known God as my loving Abba. Google may have found my father, but my dad will always be the Lord.

May the Lord reveal himself to you in a deeper way as your Abba, and my you experience his sacrificial love in demonstrable ways through godly mentors!